This article was written by contributing editor Gonz Blinko. From time to time, Gonz, with whom I rarely spend any time anymore, still sends me an article for publication here. I received this one from him this morning and found it interesting, informative and, as always is the case when Gonz writes a piece here, entertaining.
After weeks of investigation, talking to, getting drunk and pumping Apple employees for information, my friend Bryan Smart and I have gotten our hands onto a prototype model of the next great innovation coming from Apple. Like the Nike shoe iPhone app and a bunch of the biometric information collected by the AppleWatch, this next iPhone add-on gadget is designed to monitor health related information in a manner never previously seen as necessary for the millions of people who will plunk down the hefty pile of bucks to get their hands on this latest in Apple’s line of boutique products.
Welcome the iTurd
Are you getting enough fiber in your diet? Are you eating the right proportions of vitamins and minerals? Are you carrying potentially dangerous bacteria? I’m sure you all ask these questions every day and, coming this autumn as Apple releases the iPhone 6S and it’s standard Fall line of fashionable technology, you will have all of these answers and more if you run over to the Apple store and buy yourself an iTurd.
An Apple marketing professional, under conditions of anonymity, told us, “Sure, e-toilets already exist, as do medical testing laboratories but this product will revolutionize how we defecate, urinate and vomit forever. And, unlike the Amazon TurdFire or the Mozilla Foundation’s TurdBird, the iTurd integrates seamlessly with all of your iCloud enabled devices providing the most tightly integrated bathroom experience possible. We called the AppleWatch, “the most personal product ever,” I think we’ve eclipsed that success with our new iTurd.” ” ”
What Is the iTurd?
Those of you around my age (55) and older will probably remember the Ty-D-Bowl television commercial that featured a tiny man riding around in a little boat in one’s toilet tank keeping it clean, well, as the AppleWatch is to the Dick Tracy “video watch” from the comic strips a half century ago, what the iTurd does is far greater. An iTurd keeps your toilet clean while performing astounding other tasks unimagined even in the science fiction of my youth. our Apple marketing source claimed, “the iTurd provides a visit to the toilet with a near magical level, it’s like pooping at Disneyland. The iTurd will make your bowel movements more pleasurable than you may have ever thought possible and much more pleasant than you are already enjoying today.”
What Does the iTurd Look Like?
An iTurd is “sausage shaped” according to the Apple marketing materials but, as I hold mine in my hand, I might say it’s actually “turd shaped” with a few added features. Imagine a shit shaped submarine about three and a half inches long and you have an iTurd in your grasp.
How Does The iTurd Work?
Once charged and paired with one’s iCloud account, a user simply drops the iTurd into their toilet bowl and allows it to swim around doing its thing. When the toilet is not in use, the iTurd cruises around the edges scraping whatever collected detritus away, keeping your bowl clean enough for Rover to drink from safely. The iTurd uses only organic citrus generated cleaning fluids in cleansing mode so is eco-friendly as well.
Butt, There’s More…
We’ve had all sorts of products for keeping toilets clean so what has Apple added to make the iTurd into such an exciting and innovative product? In a single word, it’s: health-informatics. When your toilet is in use, which is to say you are urinating, moving your bowels or vomiting into it, the iTurd turns from a highly convenient cleaning product into a tiny submarine biological laboratory.
Within seconds of your first bit of poop or few grams of pee or puke hitting the surface of the water in your toilet, the iTurd mode changes and, after performing chemical analysis on both the fluids and solids in the bowl, sends your iPhone or other iCloud connected device more than 1500 separate data points derived from the nano-chemistry performed in this remarkable machine. By the time your done wiping your ass, your iPad or other iCloud connected device will be able to tell you everything from your blood sugar level to the incredibly important “roughage ratio,” information essential to your long term health and life expectancy. Plain and simply, having an iTurd in your bowl will help you live a longer and happier life.
What About Micro Organisms?
To date, modern medical science has identified tens of thousands of different bacteria, viruses, prions and other microscopic organisms that can lead to profound health problems and, in some cases, even death. With an iTurd, you will know immediately if any of more than 500 of the most common disease bearing micro-organisms are festering in your bowels and, being alerted to such early in the process means that you can get medical treatment during the incubation process, well before you would otherwise start to show symptoms of the disease itself. In this sense, you can consider the iTurd to be a fire alarm for ebola, small pox, polio and literally thousands of other little buggers that can maim or kill you.
Ever Worry About That Random Drug Test?
Did you go to the Pink Floyd reunion concert and sit too near an old hippy smoking a joint? Did you accidentally pop a few OXY Codone tablets thinking they were your morning vitamins? No problem, the iTurd will detect the fifteen most popular recreational drugs and report on them to you so you can arrive at work prepared for the worst.
Think You Might Be Pregnant?
If you’ve an iTurd in your bowl, it will alert you if you are in even the early stages of pregnancy. With a quick iTurd alarm, you can go off and get your “morning after” pills or start planning for a baby in your future.
How The iTurd Remains Charged
Using a new technology called AppleSpin, the iTurd contains components that turn motion into electricity. When you flush your toilet, the fluids swirling out spin the iTurd, causing it to recharge. It also provides a USB charging interface that, remarkably, works perfectly under water.
It’s Fun For the Whole Family
Each iTurd can be configured to recognize the expulsions of up to six different people and report information securely and privately to each’s iCloud enabled devices. Of course, one would want an iTurd for every toilet in their house as it’s often difficult to predict where one of the kids will decide to crap. Information from the iTurd from the kids can be shared with their parent’s devices so the nitwits who refuse to vaccinate their children can learn of oncoming measles, mumps and whooping cough. In a sense, the iTurd may be the product that saves your kids’ lives.
The iTurd Camera
When little Johnny or Joanie takes their first poop on the “big kid” toilet, your iTurd’s Hindsight® camera can broadcast a butthole view of the event and, by sending it to your AppleTV, allow the entire family to enjoy watching the event in big screen HD. And, of course, you can record this very first stool for viewing again and again.
What About Traveling?
Each iTurd comes with its own specially designed and hyper hygienic carrying case. If you’re heading off on a business trip or vacation, just reach into your toilet and pull out the iTurd, drop it into its case and toss it into your toiletry kit right next to your razor and toothbrush. And, like the other iOS devices, there’s a “find my iTurd” feature that you can access from any other of your iCloud attached products to tell if you had accidentally left it in a hotel toilet so they can mail it back to you.
Our information gathering has told us that the iTurd will be available in aluminum, stainless steel, gold or platinum plated and in a variety of shades of brown. Other extras include a telescoping toilet brush for cleaning beneath the rim and a blue tooth microphone so you can make your FaceTime calls while sitting on the crapper in the event that you forgot to bring your iPhone, iPad, Macintosh and/or AppleWatch to the john with you. Did you ever miss out on an important conference call because you had the runs? With an iTurd in your bowl, you’ll never miss a meeting again.
What About Accessibility?
As with all other iOS devices, the iTurd is accessible out of the box. Just hit its home button three times quickly and your iTurd will start talking to you. It can even, via blue tooth, announce its findings to you while you’re still on the bowl, just in the event that something horrible like small pox is detected.
I am entirely confident that within a few fiscal quarters, having an iTurd in your bowl will be an essential for all people who must own all things Apple. Imagine the embarrassment of having a friend come to your home, drink a few beers and, upon getting to your toilet for a piss, finds no iTurd? You’ll be the laughing stock of the entire hipster world. So, as soon as you can get one, grab hold of an iTurd and embrace this exciting new technology.
Our Apple source told us, “The iTurd will provide a totally new way we view our bowel movements and release of other bodily fluids in a manner incomprehensible ever before. People will live longer and happier lives. The iTurd is truly the future.”